The Girl in the Middle

The Girl in the Middle

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Middle Moments

Millions call themselves by His name, it is true, and pay some token homage to Him, but a simple test will show how little He is really honored among them. Let the average man be put to the proof on the question of who or what is above, and his true position will be exposed. Let him be forced into making a choice between God and money, between God and men, between God and personal ambition, God and self, God and human love, and God will take second place every time. Those other things will be exalted above. However the man may protest, the proof is in the choice he makes day after day throughout his life.

—­A. W. Tozer

When I was fourteen, I found myself overwhelmed by an ongoing struggle to keep anxious thoughts from taking over. Though I fought hard, I felt like I was losing the intense war for peace in my mind. I was worn out, missing the simpler days when it seemed like I didn’t have a worry in the world. I remember one particular night when my chest was pounding and my nerves felt as tense as they could possibly be all throughout my body. I wondered, Where is peace? Why am I grappling so hard to find it but finding myself empty-­handed over and over again? I couldn’t carry the weight of the fear any longer, but the problem was that I didn’t know where to put all my spiraling thoughts. So I continued lugging the burden around, almost convinced that was just how my life was going to be.

That night, as I sat crying at the foot of my bed, my dad walked into my room, checking to see how I was doing. With deep love, he patiently listened as I stumbled over my words, trying to articulate the exhausting internal conflict I was in. After we talked for a little bit about the fear that was stealing my joy, he turned to my bookshelf and pointed at my Bible that was stacked against fifty other books. He asked, “Emma, when was the last time you carved out space to be alone with God, reading His Word?”

“I honestly don’t know,” I said. I knew a lot about God, having grown up in the church and having been raised by parents who loved Him. I didn’t personally know Him, though. “I can’t think of the last time I sat with God by myself and read the Bible,” I said.

“Emma, when Jesus comes back, I will not be standing beside you, holding your hand. It will be just you and Him,” he said. “He will either tell you, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant,’ or ‘I never knew you; depart from me’ ” (Matthew 25:21; Matthew 7:23).

My dad then left the room, and I sat on my bed pondering what he said. I knew that in that moment, I was in the company of both God and the anxiety that had been like a dense fog so cumbersome on my soul. Reflecting on the words my dad had spoken and feeling the pursuing love of God drawing me close, I decided to give my life to Jesus that night, telling God that I wanted to know Him more than anything else. My tears of heaviness were joined with tears of hope and light all at once. My chest, which had been pounding with worry, was now beating with a strange joy, an awareness that in that moment things were different. I knew that even in the fears and anxiety, I had been given the victory in Christ in that very instant. The journey of learning to walk in full freedom was just beginning for me, all because of Jesus. I was confident that I was not alone. My soul had a friend in God. I knew He was with me. I didn’t have to wait for the mess of fear and anxiety to get cleaned up to experience His joy. He met me in my mess and loved me that night.

Filled with the Word and Overflowing with Love

For the next two years I immersed myself in the Bible. I set my alarm early enough so that I could have time before school to talk with God and read His Word. Being with Him before doing anything else set the tone of my whole day. I taped notecards with Scripture written on them all over my room. To memorize God’s words, I would strategically place the notecards next to things associated with whatever verse was written on them. On my lamp, I taped Psalm 119:105: “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.” I stuck Psalm 4:8 on my bed frame: “In peace I will both lie down and sleep; for you alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.” I placed Proverbs 31:25 on my closet door: “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.” Romans 1:16 hung on my door so I could see it right before I stepped out of my room and into my day: “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes.”

Before long, I realized these words breathed by God were not just written down on notecards and taped all over my bedroom. Surely enough, because I was regularly seeing them and thinking on them throughout the day, these Bible verses were being written on my heart, to have with me moment by moment. The Scriptures were guiding me, comforting me, and equipping me in my daily life, helping me navigate how to treat those around me and even how to process through my own anxious thoughts. Through God’s Word, I learned who He is and who I am in Him. I discovered that the life He called me to had a purpose bigger than myself. Because my life was eternally changed by Christ, the way I lived my life daily in the here and now would never be the same. He filled me with joy that can only be found in His presence.

Personally knowing Him motivated me with the desire to make Him known to as many people as possible. As I was filled with eagerness to share Christ in any space I could, the Holy Spirit prompted me to start intentionally leveraging my Instagram account for the purpose of encouraging people and telling them about Christ. I changed my Instagram name from “­emmamaej99” to “1corinthians13_love” because it was a simple way to say that my life wasn’t about me anymore, it was all about Him. I wanted to help people know His love that would never fail them. I wanted to lead people to have a genuine relationship with Him. Even if someone simply came across my account, only catching a glimpse of my username, I hoped that they would be drawn to His heart through it.

Rarely would I be writing a caption to post and not be cut off by the red bar that read “Caption too long.” The maximum number of words Instagram allowed had been surpassed. Yet, the 2,200-­character limit couldn’t contain the words of life bubbling over from within me. My cup truly was overflowing! I had so much to say because I loved God so much and He was changing my life.

Each day, I sought out opportunities to have a conversation with somebody and encourage them in the truth, because reading the Bible didn’t only impact me, but it also compelled me to share its impact with others. As each day passed, I felt more and more discontent at the thought of keeping to myself this light that had shined in my own darkness. I empathized with the prophet Jeremiah, who wrote, “If I say, ‘I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name,’ there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot” (Jeremiah 20:9). My soul would ache if I did not talk about the Lord who saved me. How absurd it would be not to live differently once taken from death to life. How sorrowful it would be not to share life with the spiritually dead around me. By the power of the Holy Spirit, I was driven to give the truth to as many people as I could.

When I shared on Instagram to the few family members and friends who followed along, the goal was never to have tons of followers; it was to help as many people know Him as possible. My focus was not a platform; it was people. My priority was not to gain a large sphere of influence; it was to follow Jesus and lead others to do likewise. Little did I know all the ways I would get to tell people about Him! It really is crazy what God will do through our lives when our hearts are postured in humility with the pure desire to know Him and make Him known.