Excerpt
Making Peace with Yourself
1. Making Peace With Yourself: Discovering Your Achilles Heel
If you could change at least one thing about yourself to make your life better, what would it be? What personal barrier has been your nemesis in your love relationships or career? If you asked your spouse, ex-spouse, close friend, or co-workers what your weak spot is, what might you hear?
We each have at least one Achilles Heel, a weakness, insecurity, or vulnerability that regularly trips us up but that is not a pathological state or deep-seated psychological problem. Indeed, people who insist they do not have an Achilles Heel are very likely to be the ones whose Achilles Heel is that they think they have to be perfect! Being perfect is not what this book is about. Only those characteristics that persistently get in our way need to be dealt with.
Most people will never seek psychotherapy because of their Achilles Heel, yet we all suffer from some vulnerabilities that impair our intimate relationships, careers, and personal fulfillment. Discovering your Achilles Heel can be the beginning of changing your weaknesses into strengths.
The term Achilles Heel comes from the Greek myth of the great warrior Achilles. According to the legend, when Achilles’ mother dipped him in the river Styx to make him invulnerable, the water washed every part except the heel by which she held him. That one weak spot, his heel, was both the proof of his being human and his potential downfall. Rather than accepting his vulnerability and learning from it, Achilles defiantly sought to prove he was invincible. He repeatedly exposed himself to attack, winning several battles before his bitter rival Paris shot a fatal arrow into his heel.
An Achilles Heel refers to the part of ourselves that is both our greatest handicap and our greatest challenge. If we can accept and learn from our Achilles Heel, it can be a source of power, a stimulus to our growth, an essential part of our humanity. Yet, too often, we are like Achilles, resisting our vulnerabilities and forgetting our strengths.
What You Resist Persists: The Achilles Syndrome
While we each have at least one weak spot or vulnerability, the question is what do we do with it? The Achilles Syndrome is the price we pay for resisting our Achilles Heel. If you try to ignore, suppress, or deny your Achilles Heel, it will have a tendency to reappear when you least expect it. “What you resist persists” is a powerful psychological principle. Even if you change your job or a major relationship, your Achilles Heel seems to follow you.
The “what you resist persists” phenomenon of the Achilles Syndrome can show up in various ways:
Your Achilles Heel is a fear of being rejected in love and winding up alone, so you avoid getting too close to anyone or making an emotional commitment and, lo and behold, you wind up alone.
Your Achilles Heel is your fear of losing your temper, so you avoid expressing your anger at minor irritations with your spouse, boss, or children until they pile up and you can’t control your rage.
Your Achilles Heel is your concern about your weight, so you promise yourself, “I’ll be ready (for a new dress, a new job, a better relationship) after I lose ten pounds.” Yet several diets later, after repeatedly losing and regaining the same ten pounds, your insecurities about your weight remain.
Your Achilles Heel is feeling trapped in a less-than-perfect marriage. You stay together the first half of the marriage “for the children” and the second half of the marriage “because it’s too late.”
Your Achilles Heel is a skin irritation that flares up when you are under stress. The more you resist dealing with the underlying causes of your stress, the more your skin breaks out; the more blemishes appear, the more stressed you become.
Your Achilles Heel is your fear of “not being good enough” sexually or financially. Yet no matter how many sexual conquests you take to bed or how much money you accumulate, the need constantly to prove yourself remains. You can never be satisfied, either sexually or financially, as long as you are running from an Achilles Heel and doubting your self-worth.
As a psychiatrist and seminar leader, I have encountered thousands of examples of otherwise healthy, intelligent, and successful individuals tying up their energy and creativity in the Achilles Syndrome. Resisting your Achilles Heel is like trying to drive with the brakes on. We are so accustomed to hiding, denying, or suppressing our Achilles Heel(s) that we don’t even stop to ask ourselves, “What am I so afraid of?” or “Why do I pretend to be faultless and invincible?”
If I have discovered one thing in my personal and professional experience, it is how much we human beings fear each other. We’re afraid of the judgments others make about us and afraid they’ll discover the judgments we make about them. We feel isolated, as though no one can understand the insecurities or vulnerabilities we have. We’re afraid to show any signs of weakness not only with strangers, which at times is appropriate, but also with those we love. Can you really confide in your parents, siblings, spouse, or children? Can you let yourself be open and vulnerable in an intimate relationship? Are you good at taking risks or admitting your imperfections? Are you able to accept and forgive your shortcomings and those of others?
What Is Your Achilles Heel?
Even normal, well-functioning people have some characteristics that keep them from reaching their full potential in their personal relationships and career. You may not know offhand what those elements are, but if you think back to those times when you felt hurt, angry, or unable to be creative and loving, in many instances your Achilles Heel was the problem. A good way to discover your Achilles Heel(s) is to carefully consider each of the following except for’s and if only’s:
I generally feel good about myself except for ______________________________________________.
I feel proud of my body and appearance except for ______________________________________________.
I feel satisfied with my achievements in life except for _______________________
I avoid losing my temper except for ______________________________________________.
I’m usually in a pretty good mood except for ______________________________________________.
I’m usually not intimidated by people except for ______________________________________________.
I feel I am easy to get along with except for ______________________________________________.
I have good common sense except for ______________________________________________.
My marriage/love relationships would be more fulfilling if only ______________________________________________.
My sex life would be more satisfying if only ______________________________________________.
I’d be more successful if only ______________________________________________.
I’d enjoy my family more if only ______________________________________________.
I’d be able to slow down and stop trying so hard if only ______________________________________________.
I’d be able to deal with people more effectively if only ______________________________________________.
I’d be a much happier person if only ______________________________________________.
I’d feel my life had more meaning and purpose if only ______________________________________________.
