Excerpt
Toddlers and Parents
Introduction
The Importance of These Years
A struggle for independence and self-mastery must be waged by all children between the ages of one and three. The struggle is not theirs alone, but calls for great patience and understanding from all who live with them. To this striving for inner control, each child brings his or her particular strength. The theater in which the struggle is waged will also differ from family to family, with one child testing himself against, and supported by, an ever available mother, another by both parents, by a substitute caregiver, or a variety of siblings. In the family profiles that make up this book, I have tried to show both the universal nature of this struggle, and the many possible ways in which it can be played out. Though the struggle will not be resolved completely until later in life, if ever, the more autonomy a child can achieve at this age, the better able he or she will be to move on to the next developmental task. In Childhood and Society, Erik Erikson describes the critical importance of this stage in the overall life cycle: “From a sense of self-control without loss of self-esteem comes a lasting sense of good will and pride; from a sense of loss of self-control and of foreign overcontrol comes a lasting propensity for doubt and shame.”
With the child’s first realization of independence, of the ability to “leave,” comes fears of separation. An overwhelming feeling of dependence balances the drive for autonomy. It is this ambivalence which makes life with toddlers so full of drama, shifting rapidly from intense conflict to warmest intimacy. Unless children can be given support while they work out this ambivalence, they can never be independent of those around them. They will be at the mercy of cues or triggers from the environment which will remind them of their struggle and set it in action within them. The “temperamental actor” who does not get his way demonstrates this same kind of struggle as he raves and rants around the studio, throwing objects, tearing his clothes, insensitively berating the innocents around him. In an adult, this is seen as a regression to an infantile state. It is painful for others and it is devastating for the person himself. Unless this struggle can be resolved successfully in infancy, it must live on, ready to surface whenever the proper set of circumstances call it up. Each of us as adults remembers this inner conflict, and whenever we watch another person in its toils, the painful feelings are revived. This memory is one of the reasons why parents find it so difficult to tolerate a temper tantrum in the child. Many parents would find it a relief to lie down on the floor in a parallel tantrum.
How much does an environment shape a child? A great deal, but less than we used to think. In the 1950s there was still a pervading belief that the outcome of a child’s personality development was entirely the responsibility of the parents. We know now that it is not that simple. Parents do not need to be loaded with helpless guilt, anticipating the errors they will make with their child. By implying that all responsibility is on parents, we are saying that unless parents find the one right way, any mistake they make will ruin the child. This creates a heavy burden of anxiety for a parent who cares. My own conviction is that each child is born with particular strengths and marked individuality. These individual differences influence the parents and everyone around the child as much as they, in turn, will affect him or her. No parent ever feels the same about two children, for each child calls up a different set of responses. Because of these strengths, and a resilient individuality, children can absorb a great many mistakes on their parents’ part. Hence my best advice would be: when in doubt, follow the child!
At the same time, however, children deserve an environment responsive to their individual needs, one which can change as they change. Human childhood is long. Nature obviously intended children to be dependent for a long enough time to set their individual clocks in time with the society around them—the culture, the extended family, and the immediate family as represented by parents. They have time to try their own wings, to make mistakes, to test themselves against people around them who may also make many mistakes—before the appropriate meshing can be found. I see this toddler age which I have chosen to describe, the years from one to three, as a turbulent period of such trials and errors. In these years, each member of the family must make his or her own adjustments to the wide swings between “yes” and “no,” “me” and “you,” with which the child is faced. The child is constantly learning from the reactions of others how to tune his or her own behavior. It is a valuable and even crucial time. It may also be a painful one. But if parents can see it as a vital bridge to the next set of achievements, and not just an assault on them by a miserable child—it may be easier for them to participate with pleasure as well as pain.
The big job for children of this age is that of resolving the struggle between being controlled by outsiders and of learning controls for themselves. The sense of autonomy which comes from resolution of this struggle leads to the feeling of competence which is at the root of any child’s future progress. It is in this period that children first become subject to feelings of aggression, begin to be aware of their power over others, of sexuality, of being different from others, of feeling differently for different people—primarily for mother versus father—of being able to choose those parts of each parent and of each sibling with which to identify and others to reject. The child also is beginning to have some control over these feelings. But the awareness of control is barely beginning at this age, and is not yet linked to the feelings. These are likely to be vulnerable, tender, and can quickly be stunted or shoved under for a long wait before they reappear.
Children can be encouraged to express their feelings. They can be taught to understand themselves by recognizing them. They can learn to enjoy the pleasure of mastering them to increase their choices in life. This raises the question of how much a parent should or can do to foster self-expression. I think there is danger in parents urging a child to indulge every emotion or let angry feelings get out of control, under the impression that they are freeing the child. Getting out of hand can frighten a child and make it even harder for him or her to express the very feelings which may need release. My advice is to support and encourage self-expression but also to show the way to mastery when self-expression seems to get out of control. The parent must be ready with appropriate and understanding controls from the outside. As Erikson said on this same issue, “Firmness must protect him against the potential anarchy of his as yet untrained sense of discrimination, his inability to hold on and to let go with discretion. As his environment encourages him to ‘stand on his own feet,’ it must protect him against meaningless and arbitrary experiences of shame and of early doubt.”
Support given in the form of understanding and tolerance is more beneficial than complete permissiveness. After a real blow-up, a parent in control of his or her own feelings can say, “That’s enough now. It is hard being so angry. But part of growing up is learning not to scream and kick when you feel that way. You are learning that now. You are learning to tell me how you feel, and not just yell and cry. That means you are growing up.”
The excitement which children demonstrate when they have learned a sense of inner control is one more testimony to the real drive which is built into children to learn how to do things for themselves. Joe’s awareness in Chapter X that he does not have to say “no” all the time is particularly poignant. This excitement is its own reward and drives a child toward maturity. It is also the essence of the pleasure in being mature at any age.
These ages, one to three, are almost the last ones in which parents can expect to play an undiluted role. As school approaches, the effect of peers and of teachers becomes more and more important. So it is an opportunity for influencing their child’s development which will never be as strong again. Parents need to maintain as close a relationship as they can with the child through this period, in spite of day-care or having to share him or her with other caretakers. Conflicts which are relatively easy to see at this age span will go underground and be harder to dredge up as time goes on. This is an important age for parents to assess themselves as well as their children. In order to do this one must be aware of the kinds of conflicts the child’s behavior calls up. Parents must understand their own reactions to the child as well as the child’s behavior. I hope this book will bring to light the “normal,” healthy needs and strivings of this age in such a way as to enable the parents to see their own role in helping the child to a happier, fuller future.
