Excerpt
The Dangerous Book for Dogs
PREFACE
I Didn't Have This Book
When I Was a Puppy
There was a time not long ago when dogs were necessities, not accessories. We corralled wayward sheep in the heartland. We brought warming brandy to climbers in the hinterland. We were a valued asset to every fireman, a faithful sentinel for every junkman, and a slavishly loyal friend to the everyman. We roamed freely because we had earned our keep, and our aggressions and wanderlust were celebrated, not leashed. It was a time when we ran on the ground instead of being toted about in frilly pink satchels, a time when we were simply hosed down in the backyard instead of ferried to the groomer. It was a time B.D.—Before Domestication, when we could be what we are. Dogs.
In an age of pampering and pet steps, we seem to have lost touch with the greatest joys of canine existence—instinctive joys that the stoic Great Dane, the scampering Chihuahua, and the barky old pound mutt alike could share: finding the nastiest odors to roll in, savoring the subtle earthy flavors of a Vera Wang slingback—and, of course, mounting bitches.
In these pages, you will read great tales of canine bravery and bravado, such as the journey of the first dog to set foot on North America. You will know the glory achieved by courageous dogs of war. You will be awed by the landmark silver-screen performances of Cujo, Old Yeller, and the ferocious Beagle Pack in Omen III: The Final Conflict. You will know what it means to be a Dog.
What is the greatest scratching position in the world? How do you escape a humiliating attack of “dress up”? Can you ever catch your own tail? The answers are inside this book. We provide them not just as an instructional guide, but as a way to put you back in touch with your thrill-seeking, mischievous roots. Here we are reminded of the old canine proverb: “Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww!”—a sentiment as true today as it was in the day of our wild ancestors.
We wish we had a book like this when we were puppies. All too often we dogs are content to sleep seventeen hours a day with a kibble break here and there, unaware of all the wondrous fun we could be having treeing a raccoon, lapping up the wind from a car window, or constructing a custom bed out of our owners’ clean laundry.
When you reach a certain age, things become routine. The doorbell doesn't excite you as much as it once did, the butts at the park all smell the same, and your dreams of herding sheep on the open range have faded away.
But today's dog should never forget there's a whole wide world of adventure out there. We hope that this book doesn't merely remind you of your puppyhood, but truly rekindles it. Owwwwwwwwww, ow, ow, owwwwwww, indeed.
Things You Can Chase
Nothing breaks up the monotony of a boring day quite like a good chase. It's great exercise, excellent practice for mouth-eye coordination, and really, really fun. Chasing is also an ancient ritual of our species that directly led to many important cultural advancements, including fetch, bird-dogging, and even doggy-paddling.
In practice, you can chase anything that moves: remote-control cars, toddlers, cats, imagined things—the list goes on and on. In order to keep the list manageable, we've only included the best inanimate chasing objects. We've left animals off this list to cover in greater detail later.
RULES
The golden rule of chasing is to never take your eye off the chase thingee. Doing so will make you aware of all the other things around you that you could also be chasing, and you know what you end up catching when you try to chase two things at once? Nothing. And not catching something you are chasing is no fun, especially if what you're chasing is capable of laughing at you.
Frisbee
Of all the things you can chase, the Frisbee is the most entertaining. It seems to just hover in midair like a bird, but it's much easier to catch because it eventually comes down. You'll find that they're remarkably easy to sink your teeth into when you catch one. When your owner tries to reclaim it, don't let it go until the last possible moment. Caution: A Frisbee's trajectory can waver, wobble, and turn abruptly once airborne, depending on the wind and/or how much your owner throws like a girl. Never trust a Frisbee until it is firmly in your mouth, or else it is liable to quickly change course and smack you in the head.
Balls
The ball comes in two fun shapes: round and oval. Unlike a Frisbee, a ball tends to move erratically once it hits the ground, just like an animal. Great! Get a good sense of your terrain in order to anticipate the path a ball might take. For reasons dogs do not understand, balls seem to favor rolling down hills rather than rolling up them. The oval balls are hard to grab hold of unless they are made of soft foam, in which case you can really go to town and rip them to pieces. Round rubber or tennis balls bounce longer, and you can even catch them in mid-bounce!
Sticks
Sticks are just small pieces of tree, but they hold a very special place in dog-human history, as many believe they were the first objects thrown to canines by man. However, they aren't designed to travel very far. Mostly, they are good for playing fetch (see the chapter entitled “The Formal Rules of Fetch”). Just be cautious. There are some sticklike objects that move and might even bite you. Remember this rule: If it tries to bite you, it is not a stick. It is a snake. Do not grab a snake.
Your Tail
The great thing about your tail is that it is always there, ready for a good time. Even when you are in trouble for licking the meatloaf and no one will play with you, your tail is up for being chased. It sits behind you, wagging, just asking you to go after it. If you are a breed that has a short tail, no tail, or you had a tail and then lost it, this is obviously a challenge. In this case, you can substitute “rump” for “tail,” even though it doesn't quite wag the same. The question then is whether you can catch it or not. The answer is that it doesn't matter. In this case, the thrill is in the chase. And the chase is awesome.
Cars
PLEASE NOTE: This is for advanced chasers only. You can not, nor should you, actually catch a car. They are terribly heavy, extremely uncooperative, and may actually cause you harm. That said, there's nothing more exciting than the feeling of running after a car. They are so fast and noisy! If one should actually stop and open the door for you, take stock of the situation. If you recognize the person as friendly, then by all means, get in that car!
Treats
Obviously, if your owner throws one of these, don't bring it back to him. He'll think something's wrong with you.
A SPECIAL NOTE ON FAKE THROWS: Owners who fake-throw things for their own enjoyment are mean. If you are unfamiliar with the trick, here's how it works. Your owner will show you something extremely chasable, like a really nice ball. He will wave it in front of you until you are ready to rip it out of his hands, no matter what the consequences. Once he knows that he has your attention, he cocks his arm back like he is going to throw it, only he doesn't actually let it go. This can lead to feelings of confusion and fear. You wonder: Where did the ball go? Is it chasing you now? Once you figure out his trick, you should do all you can to condition him not to do it again by standing still and staring at him with your tongue hanging out. Eventually, he will feel bad and stop trying to fool you.
