We Over Me

The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything You Want from Your Relationship



About the Book

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The stars of the social media show The Ellises and hosts of the Webby Award-winning podcast Dead Ass with K&D share the core pillars of their relationship as millennial lovers and parents that have allowed them to thrive.

“Staying married in this day and age takes a whole different mindset, and this book gives an intimate and honest look at the inner workings of their strong union.”—Gia Peppers, award-winning journalist and host

After twelve years of marriage, twenty years together, and four kids, Devale and Khadeen Ellis have been through a lot. They’ve loved their way through a long-distance relationship, financial instability, parenthood, Khadeen’s near-death, and their near-divorce, chronicling their day-to-day life with their boys online. After much trial and error, they hit upon one surprising, essential truth: If you’re looking for a healthy relationship and a fulfilling life, focus on your partner’s needs instead of your wants. Choosing service over selfishness will not only make your relationship stronger, but it will help you achieve your own goals and build a legacy together.

With their trademark transparency and humor, Khadeen and Devale share the messy, behind-the-scenes work of what it takes to succeed and support one another in their search for individual purpose while growing in their marriage. They discuss family, parenting, sex and intimacy, finances, and commitment, with honest advice threaded through their stories, such as:

• Stop comparing yourselves to other couples and make your own rules.
• Learn how to function as a team.
• Keep talking about sex.
• The kids ain’t first.

The Ellises might not have all the answers, but they do know that good love takes friendship, grace, and service. Their personal and relatable truths will inspire you to be the kind of partner you want to be so you can build a supportive, enduring relationship.
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Praise for We Over Me

“Khadeen and Devale Ellis’s story shows that marriage can be a bumpy ride, but if you can laugh and cry together, argue fairly, and put we over me, you'll be on your way to long-lasting love and commitment.”—Tiffany “The Budgetnista” Aliche, New York Times bestselling author of Get Good with Money

“Putting we over me is a concept that we have applied to our relationship for twenty-five years. Khadeen and Devale are great examples for how loving, playful, devoted, and business minded your relationship can be. Intentionally doing it all together and consistently putting the we over me. We are certain their testimony will inspire you and activate your relationship to mirror what they model.”—Dondré Whitfield and Salli Richardson Whitfield, actors

“The Ellis’s story shows that while marriage can be a bumpy ride, it can also be unbelievably beautiful if you learn how to argue constructively, put we over me, and remember to have a little fun along the way. This book will have you laughing and crying, and it’s a must-read for couples and singles who want the best out of their relationship (or who just want to be entertained)!”—Tommy and Codie Elaine Oliver, founders of Black Love, Inc.

“Loving openly and honestly isn’t easy, yet we know that it is necessary, as we can all benefit immensely. How grateful we are for Khadeen and Devale’s impact on our lives through their courageous transparency in the practice of love. We Over Me teaches us that it is their love for themselves, each other, and their family that invites us all to love and love more abundantly.”—Karega Bailey and Dr. Felicia Gangloff-Bailey, PhD, SOL Affirmations podcast

“Khadeen and Devale are a true example of what marriage is and how the foundation is love—from the highs to lows, ups and downs, and everything in between. We Over Me unpacks the core values of defining your own marriage, while keeping the commitment in the forefront. This book is a must-have and is sure to help tons of people and their marriages.”Eva Marcille, actor
“K&D give hope to millennials who want to follow their dreams, remain in love, and have families. Staying married in this day and age takes a whole different mindset, and this book gives an intimate and honest look at the inner workings of their strong union.”Gia Peppers, award-winning journalist and television host
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We Over Me


We would like to start this book by stating that there is no perfect way to exist in this world. In fact, we’ll take it a step further and say that no one has unequivocally figured this thing out. We are all in search of this mythical place called “Happily Ever After.” Yet, we all find ourselves part of one big social experiment called life. With that being said, we as people don’t owe each other anything other than the space to exist freely. So when it comes to relationships, everyone has the right at any point to say, “This really isn’t working out for me in a way that is advantageous for all parties involved, so I’m going to move forward in a different direction.”

Not exactly how you thought this book was gonna start, huh? You thought it was gonna be a list of how tos and we don’ts. Sorry, but this book is not that at all. This book is about choices. Specifically, the individual choices that led to a blessed union we are very proud of. It’s about learning to respect the perspective of the one your heart so desperately wants to control. This book is about learning to love yourself so much that you learn to love someone else the way you always wanted to be loved in the first place. We know that was a mouthful, but trust us, we’ll explain. Throughout this book you will learn more about us. Not as an example of how you should live your life, but as an example of how we built the love we have to live the life we want. Welcome to our love story.

Even though we share our lives on social media with millions of people, we certainly do not consider ourselves to be a celebrity couple. What we strive to do, along with sharing our highlight reels, pretty pictures of our children, and stories of triumph, is show some of the grit and real trials that arise in our relationship. Hence the reason why you are holding this book in your hands. We pride ourselves on being raw and transparent about what a healthy relationship looks like to us. The main thing we’ve learned along the way is that a “healthy” relationship does not come in one form. The secret to a healthy relationship for you will never be found on the pages of any book. This book is an entertaining way for you to experience how we discovered what worked for us, and hopefully prompts you to get curious about what works for you. The secrets for what will work for you can only be found in you.

We like to try to find the humor in a situation, but our relationship isn’t shits and giggles all the time. We are committed to putting in the actual work to make our marriage and our family thrive. We have our moments, and we never want people to look at us as a perfect celebrity couple. We wrote this book so that you can find your own path toward happiness in your relationship.

Ultimately, in a relationship, you have to ask yourself, “Am I willing and in a position to serve the other person?” Too many people go into relationships thinking about what they can gain from another person. Women have their lists of things that they’re looking for in a man or men will be seeking what a woman can bring to the table. People have unrealistic ideas and expectations of what they need a person to have; meanwhile, they aren’t bringing a fraction of that. If you’re trying to get with someone who makes six figures, is handsome or beautiful, and is a go-getter, but you’re not any of those things, how do you expect a healthy and equal relationship to work?

Instead of focusing on what you can get, turn that around and declare, “This is what I am bringing to the relationship and this is why I could be of value to someone. I am looking to be a partner. I am looking to elevate. I am looking to grow. I’m looking to build a legacy with someone.” These are the goals you need to focus on if you want to grow or rebuild your relationship.

If you are aspiring to be in a relationship, you have to be transparent about what you want, show up as yourself, and leave the representation of yourself at home. That false self is not going to get you far. It can’t last. It’s not authentic. You need to show up as yourself and be confident in who you are. If you’re not confident in who you are, work on yourself first. Stop going into relationships broken, jaded, tainted, and tattered. If you aren’t willing to do the work on yourself first, all you are going to do is project that unhealthy behavior on to someone else.

Our desire to have a healthy relationship stems from seeing far too many unhealthy ones. Those unhealthy relationships that we were exposed to on a regular basis have made the two of us determined not to end up that way. Even as married adults with children now, something will happen between our parents and we will look at each other and say, “We CANNOT be like that.”

About the Author

Khadeen Ellis
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About the Author

Devale Ellis
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