Starting from Here

A Novel

About the Book

A Midwestern girl balances her dreams of becoming a dancer with the complications of growing up on her own, far from her working-class family, in this “stirring, stunning novel about the desire for a certain kind of life and the quest to find it” (Meg Wolitzer).

“The sharp physicality of Paula Saunders’s writing hooked me; it was utterly engrossing to feel chills, hunger and lust through the body of this young dancer.”—Miranda July, New York Times bestselling author of All Fours

She could look in the mirror and see it all happening, everything she’d dreamed of, the potential everyone had seen in her blossoming right in front of her eyes, as if her spirit and flesh were merging, being born as one into light.

More than anything, René wants to be a dancer. Eve, her mother, supports René despite the overwhelming financial burden and increasing tension her training places on the family. But one thing is clear: René’s dreams are never going to come true in Rapid City, South Dakota, circa 1973.

Setting in motion a journey that will transform her from the inside out, René is sent to train alongside stick-thin, sculpted girls in Phoenix, then on to Denver and beyond, encountering along the way a dazzling sequence of eccentric and sometimes dangerous characters: creepy dads, mean girls, predatory radio announcers, kindly ex-opera singers, sham teachers, and avaricious cult leaders. Through it all, René pushes herself, doing everything she can to excel at her art while at the same time finding her way through the trials of adolescence.

But leaving home is not the same as escaping it. And try as she might, René can’t quite shake the aching she has for someone to love and accept her just the way she is, dancer or not, successful or not, perfect or imperfect.

Lyrical and incisive, Starting from Here is a story of facing the many challenges and terrors of girlhood, of reaching for something that exceeds your grasp, of the enduring contradictions of familial love, of right steps and wrong turns, and of somehow finding your way from wherever you are to wherever you need to go.
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Praise for Starting from Here

“The sharp physicality of Paula Saunders’s writing hooked me; it was utterly engrossing to feel chills, hunger, and lust through the body of this young dancer—and as a mother it was bracing to remember that getting lost is how we find ourselves.”—Miranda July, New York Times bestselling author of All Fours

Starting From Here is a stirring, stunning novel about the desire for a certain kind of life and the quest to find it. Paula Saunders has written an ode to independence, transformation, and coming of age that is also an evocative time capsule brimming with memory and feeling. What a wonderful book this is.”—Meg Wolitzer, New York Times bestselling author of The Female Persuasion

“I read Paula Saunders’s page-turning second novel, Starting from Here, in one intoxicating gulp. The story demands it. It’s a mother-daughter wrangle and also our Portrait of the Artist as a Young Girl. Saunders wowed me with her psychological acuity in her debut, The Distance Home, and this new offering exceeds that jewel. Brava!”—Mary Karr, New York Times bestselling author of The Liars' Club

“Paula Saunders’s Starting from Here follows René, the indelible protagonist of The Distance Home, as she navigates family and dancing through her tumultuous 1970s adolescence. Saunders brilliantly captures the richness, awfulness, and blooming exhilaration of this girl’s life, careening from tortured family love to uneasy independence and back again. This is a beautiful novel.”—Claire Messud, New York Times bestselling author of This Strange Eventful History



Praise for The Distance Home

The Distance Home becomes a meditation on the violence of American ambition—and a powerful call for self-examination.”—The New York Times Book Review

“Penetrating and insightful.”Publishers Weekly

“Saunders’s debut is an exquisite, searing portrait of family and of people coping with whatever life throws at them while trying to keep close to one another. . . . The Distance Home will leave readers eager for more from this extraordinarily talented author.”Booklist, starred review
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Excerpt

Starting from Here

1

Though Al objected to the idea of his son traipsing around in a tutu, Eve enrolled Leon in a local dancing class, figuring that since Leon was always tripping on the playground and running into things, ending up with stitches, concentrating on where his body was in relation to what was around him would be good for him.

Of course René wanted to do everything her older brother did. But she was too young for school, too young for dance class. So she’d skip and hop, twirling around the living room as Bobby and Sissy polka-ed through the champagne bubbles on The Lawrence Welk Show, Al’s favorite—making Al chuckle and Eve stop whatever she was doing to laugh along.

“Always hogging the spotlight,” Eve would say, shaking her head as Leon let the screen door slam behind him and took off on his bike to meet up with the neighbor kids.

Years later, after Leon and René had been studying together night after night at what may have been the world’s most unlikely ballet school—the only one for more than three hundred miles on the great, unbroken plains of South Dakota—René was in pas de deux class, turning, whirling through multiple pirouettes en pointe under the power of her brother’s hands.

Leon was tall and strong with dark wavy hair and deep brown eyes, and he knew just how to keep her on balance—an unspoken, unerring bond linking their weight and movement, one to the other. And as she spun through rotations she never could have managed on her own, the world was reduced to a single point of light. Everything quiet.

Then glissade and lift, and she was flying. From there, straight into piqué arabesque, then tour jeté, Leon effortlessly setting her up onto his shoulder. And after a mere blink of suspension, she was diving headlong, nose-to-the-ground, Leon catching her at just the right moment, placing her directly onto her pointe for a single beat of sublime, trembling balance.

Was there anything else like it on earth?

There was not.

Leon was teased at school, called “twinkletoes,” “pansy,” and worse—even by teachers—and willfully ignored by Al, whose attention he craved.

Al smoked and paced and worried whenever he was home, off the road for a few days between cattle sales. No one was ever particularly happy to see him. He and Eve fought day and night. Mostly about Leon: Leon’s friends, Leon’s hair, Leon’s dancing. Especially Leon’s dancing.

But when René danced, they’d stop their bickering to cheer her on, whatever was wrong between them left behind for a moment of peace and camaraderie.

So she’d grand jeté and chaine through the house, trying to lighten the mood, while, in the fallout from one of Eve and Al’s regular shouting matches—“You don’t listen, Eve. I’ve told you a thousand times!” and “What do you want from me, Al? You’re never around. I do everything. Everything, for God sakes,” and “Oh yes, everything. Like turning your son into a ballerina. Just where do you imagine we live, Eve? What part of the country?”—Al watched The Carol Burnett Show, smoking cigarettes down to the nub, Eve slammed pots and pans in the kitchen, the youngest, Jayne, played quietly with her Kiddle Kologne dolls, and Leon, who’d given up dancing by the end of junior high, simply disappeared, skipping school to raid the liquor cabinet at one of his new friends’ houses, to kick back with a bottle of whiskey or tequila.

Eve had met Al when she was just fifteen and he was twenty-two, home from air force training. She’d graduated valedictorian of her high school class, but instead of going to business college like she’d planned, like she’d always wanted—to become a personal secretary, a “professional girl”—she’d married Al on her eighteenth birthday. “How stupid was I?” she’d say again and again, charging through the house with a dust rag or the vacuum cleaner, shaking her head. “So stupid. Jesus Christ. A bona fide idiot.”

It was René’s dancing that made Eve proud—that made them both proud. Eve bragged about it to her bridge club, and Al went on about it to the other cattle buyers at the livestock auctions in Philip and Fort Pierre. And René was talented. She knew the thrill of controlling her body, of attending to detail, of marshaling the power to cut through space.

So she’d been sent away to Phoenix. Not because the fights she and Eve were getting into were suddenly turning fierce and incomprehensible—Eve blaming her for how unfair it was that she “got everything” and Leon “got nothing.”

No. She’d been sent away for one reason and one reason alone—to become a dancer, to “make something” of herself, as Eve said it.

And now, in Phoenix—living with an unfamiliar family, in an unfamiliar house, on an unfamiliar road—she was making a new beginning. Like in the fairy tale, she just needed to spin straw into gold.

2

A street ran by the house where she was staying in Phoenix, the house where she lived, the house where Eve and Al were paying “good money” for her to be. She didn’t know what street it was or what part of town it was in or whether it followed a river or led to a highway.

The house was in the country, or nearly in the country. At least, there weren’t any stores or other houses nearby. Not that she could see. It seemed like maybe there was a railroad. At night she imagined a freight train running right across the street, which she knew it didn’t do. But it was definitely in the country because there were lemon trees in the back and grapefruits and limes, plus a stone walkway that led to a little cottage where a grandmother lived, though René had never seen her.

There have to be neighbors somewhere, she thought. Maybe way down the road where the cars disappear?

But she was too young to drive, and the parents at this house never continued down the road in front. They simply turned left out of the driveway, rounded the nearest corner, and went straight ahead onto a street that was empty but for large warehouses set off in dusty fields dotted with sparse bunches of what must have been cactus. And suddenly—instead of far-off jagged mountain peaks like back home—there were low-slung strip malls popping up, multiplying, coming to line both sides of whatever thoroughfare they’d ended up on.

3

All her life she’d been told she was beautiful. In summer the sun streaked her hair with gold and sprinkled her nose with pale freckles, and her mother said she was beautiful and her grandmother said she was beautiful and everyone she met seemed to comment on some aspect of her appearance—her dark blond hair falling down the length of her back or woven into two long braids, her long legs and lean build, her dark brows and long lashes, her blue-gray eyes and Cupid’s bow mouth and sweet smile.

“Well, isn’t she a picture. Isn’t she a beauty! Look out. Hahaha,” people would say, winking at Al or giving Eve a look of warning.

And she was all right. She was good-looking, for sure.

But no matter that everyone seemed to agree that a girl should be at least pretty enough to attract a stranger’s attention, she could see now that, for her, being “pretty” was going to be complicated. Because the dad at this house in Phoenix—who was thin and hairy and supposedly an orthodontist, though he never seemed to go to work—sat every night in his chair pretending to watch television as he snuck sidelong glances at her in her white cotton nightie. Every night, after she’d changed out of her ballet clothes, he trained his eyes on her as if she were the fox and he’d gone a-hunting—scratching his head and thighs with abandon, enormous flakes of dandruff raining onto his bathrobe as he ogled her through thick Coke-bottle glasses, grinning and blushing.

“He’s taking time off,” the mom told her quietly one morning, seeming to be both apologizing and attempting to explain.

Though René hadn’t asked why the dad sat in his chair day and night like that, she’d been wondering.

“He had a heart attack last spring and he’s very weak,” the mom whispered, pouring milk into a serving pitcher.

And strange as he was, René felt sorry for him. Not just because of the heart attack. She could see how his whole life must have been. Lonely. So she figured that, under the circumstances, she shouldn’t mind if he looked at her that way, piercing the thin white of her nightie with his big round eyeballs. But she did mind. It bothered her. She’d only brought the one nightie, since there were other, more important things she’d needed to pack when she left home. And it was white—not sheer but not not sheer, either.

Still, the mom’s explanation clarified one thing, and René began to understand why they’d agreed to let her live with them here—wherever this actually was—in the first place. Despite the blooming succulent garden, the hearty fruit trees, the meandering pink stone walkway, the lush green vines winding up to the awnings, with the orthodontist spending whole days in his leather recliner in front of the television, they likely needed the money Eve and Al were sending.

About the Author

Paula Saunders
Paula Saunders grew up in Rapid City, South Dakota. She is a graduate of the Syracuse University creative writing program and was awarded a postgraduate Albert Schweitzer Fellowship at the State University of New York at Albany, under Schweitzer chair Toni Morrison. Her first book, The Distance Home, was longlisted for the Center for Fiction First Novel Prize and named one of the best books of the year by Real Simple. She lives in California with her husband. They have two grown daughters.
 
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